But one thing no one can teach you, is how to be a parent. It's the most challenging role you'll ever take on in your life---and you can read all the books you want and ask others about their experiences, but at the end of the day, you make decisions (hopefully) based on what's right for your family.
Some of you were probably fortunate to grow up in great households with wonderful parents who served as fantastic role models for raising your own child---but a lot of us didn't, and it's something that I feel really conflicted about. I sometimes ask myself...how can I be a good parent when I didn't have strong role models in my own?
Now, I don't want this post to make it sound like I had a horrible childhood. It wasn't perfect, or even ideal, and at times it was downright tough, but I do have some wonderful memories too. But unconditional love was something I struggled to feel [from my parents] and I cannot fathom making my own child feel that way, even for a second. I won't get into the specifics, but I have no relationship with my father and my mother and I do have a relationship but it's certainly not where I'd hope it would be...but it is what it is. No family is perfect of course, but I will fully admit that it makes me a little emotional and even a tad bit envious when I see families that are super close, supportive and loving towards one another---because that's what everyone deserves. I'm also thankful to be part of a very loving family through my marriage to my husband, which truly made all the difference for me when I moved to Texas.
Early into my adulthood, I made the wise choice to attend therapy sessions that helped me accept and somewhat move on from my past (I say somewhat, because I don't think I'll ever truly, fully and completely "move on" but it's enough that it no longer consumes me). I haven't gone to therapy in well over a year now because I felt I no longer needed monthly sessions, but with our baby girl due to arrive in just two short months, I must admit that I've been flooded with thoughts and emotions about my own childhood.
Realizing I'm about to become a mother---a profound and forever life-changing role--- has really stirred up in me something that I've always felt very strongly---that I have the power to give my child the love and life I wish upon every child. I have never once doubted my ability to be the parent I want to be---because I don't believe that our pasts determine our destinies.
It saddens me to think about all of the kids who grew up to be adults and fell victim to their very own circumstance of growing up in an unhealthy family environment. Maybe they didn't have the strength or support to be better---to be to their children what they wished they would have had in their parents---but breaking that cycle has probably been the largest single priority in my life. Not just an "option" or a "hope"---but an absolute necessity. If I knew I wasn't capable of breaking it, I honestly wouldn't even consider bringing a child into this world.
I always knew I wanted to have children---and more than anything, I have always known that I will give my children a life where they feel unconditionally loved, unafraid and completely supported. It is my biggest prayer that God will bless me and guide me on this journey into motherhood because I know it's normal to doubt yourself along the way and I know turning to Him will be the answer.
I didn't mean for this post to get so heavy....I started to write it and couldn't stop and I even debated posting it. But I'm posting it because it's real and it's the truth of how I'm feeling. Though it's fun to talk about nursery updates, baby showers and other exciting things that come with a new baby...I feel like I would be doing myself and my readers a disservice if I never wrote about the stuff that scares and challenges me. Every parent-to-be has fears- whether you had a good childhood or not. If you didn't have fears, that's when I would be worried.
What were your fears before you became a parent? How did you overcome them? Please share your advice and experiences in the comments below.
How far along? 30 weeks (I do these a week behind as a recap of the previous week, so I'm actually 31 weeks today). Just 9 more weeks to go!
Total weight gain/loss: I will find out at my 32 week appointment, but I imagine it's somewhere around 15 lbs. or more by now.
Maternity clothes? Still wearing maternity pants and regular tops and blouses. Some of my non-maternity dresses are too short with my bump...and I learned this week that some of the maternity dresses that were given to me are too short on me (for work). That was disappointing because they are cute, simple dresses and I'd love to be able to wear them. This past weekend I purchased two tank tops from the Liz Lange for Target maternity line. They are SUPER long and soft. I plan to wear them post-baby too. Love them! I also wear a lot of shelf bras now from GAP body because with the rib pain, my regular ones are too uncomfortable.
Symptoms: My rib pain has reached new levels. Though it's not constant and still only on my left side, it has now spread to the top of my belly. it feels kind of like burning, tenderness and numbness, all rolled into one. It's an interesting sensation. It hurts mostly after sleeping, sneezing, stretching and standing after sitting in the same position for awhile. I'm also experiencing occasional mild lower back pain and I've put a box under my desk to rest my feet on so I'm more comfortable.
I've been walking a lot more lately and that has felt really good.
Sleep: I'm sleeping okay. I get up twice a night to pee. I still experience the hip/thigh pain some nights, but I can usually sleep through it until about 6 a.m., after which all bets are off.
Best moment this week: Going to our 4D ultrasound and getting a sneak peek at baby girl's face. I also had a lot of fun completing a little art project for her nursery over the weekend. You can find that tutorial here.
Miss Anything? Coffee. I am looking forward to resuming drinking coffee and green tea. I know you can drink caffeine in moderation during pregnancy but I stopped when I got my positive test so I figured I'll just wait it out at this point.
Movement: Baby girl is most active in the evening and at night. I do feel her on and off during the day too---still feel kicks but more often than not I feel pushes and waves of movement. She likes to swish around in there!
Food cravings: Still subway...like cannot stop getting Subway for lunch everyday. I have also been loving ice cream (with Oreo) and Reeces Peanut Butter cups (the eggs that are out for Easter right now---YES please!) I also still love a great hamburger with lots of pickles.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Same as last week---not into plain chicken.
Have you started to show yet: Yes! It is pretty obvious these days.
Belly Button in or out? Outie and still looks like a deformed cinnamon bun. Mmm...cinnamon buns...add that to my cravings list...
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!
Looking forward to: My next OB appointment, my baby showers and my friend visiting from Canada! I'm also excited to get the shelves up in the nursery, but it will be a few weeks.
Thank you for reading and for all of my pregnant readers, please feel free to check in below as well and let me know how your pregnancy is going :) I also welcome everyone's advice and comments about pregnancy!
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