Therapy Tuesdays: A Discussion on Self Confidence and Self Esteem (w/ some of my favorite bloggers!)

I'm so excited today because I get to share with you a new project that I've been working on for this blog.  It's kind of a spinoff of "Motivation Mondays" but it's about confidence and self esteem.  The best part is that I get to work with some of my awesome blogger friends (and real-life friends too!) so that there's a diverse perspective on each topic that's discussed. 

These posts are meant to be a sort of round-table discussion on topics that affect all women.  I was inspired to start this series because I was receiving emails from women asking for advice on how to be more confident or how to overcome an insecurity.  As fashion and beauty bloggers, we always talk about all of the beautiful things in this world---but in this series, I want to focus on the beauty inside of us. I know that sounds completely corny (trust me, I know) but I thought sharing our experiences could be both therapeutic and enlightening.

Something else that sparked the idea to do a series of posts like this is a conversation I had with a close friend, Jamie, who is participating in this kick-off post (and was featured in one of my Motivation Mondays posts, here).  We talked about how some women seem to want to bring other women down---by being mean, judgmental or critical and yet (aside from anonymous comments, of course) what we see in the blogging community is women who embrace each other---women who are loving and supportive, positive and confident. I'm honored to be part of a community of women who share their passions with one another and aren't afraid to express their support for another woman.  After all, as Jamie so wisely said, bringing down another woman or commenting on her looks in a negative way doesn't make you more intelligent, more beautiful or better than her. 

So, with that in mind, the first part of this series focuses on self-confidence and how some of my favorite bloggers evolved from their teenage years to the women they are today.  I hope you'll be as inspired by their stories as I was.

I'm thrilled to share the members of our discussion today:

Amanda from A.Co Est. 1984

 Jenny from Not Just a Pretty Face



Emily from Emily Loves

and last but certainly not least, one of my best friends, Jamie



I'm so glad that these lovely ladies chose to participate and share these insights with all of us. I'm going to post each question and then each blogger's response to that question so you can read about the same topic and see the different perspectives and answers for each individual question.  Here we go!

How would you describe your level of confidence when you were younger (high school) versus how you feel about yourself now?  What has changed in the last few years that has facilitated achieving a higher level of self-confidence?

Amanda:
I was certainly less confident when I was younger and have grown into myself.  I think High School is such a difficult phase of life, and for me, it wasn't super enjoyable.  If I could go back, I wouldn't, as it was difficult with cliques, judgment, and pressure, etc.  My self-confidence has grown ten-fold since then and I'm in a really good place now.  I think what has changed the most is maturing and realizing that I am my own person and I shouldn't act or dress in a way that is dictated to me through peer-pressure.

Jenny: 
My name is Jenny- and I'm on a constant battle with self-esteem.....Why is this so hard to admit openly? Maybe we're afraid to admit failure- or perhaps we feel talking about our insecurities and lack of confidence makes it even MORE real. I honestly could write a novel about my own personal struggles with confidence- which began when I was around 10 or 11. I'll try to keep this as short as possible- while at the same time explaining enough of my story so others can understand where I'm coming from and that anyone who struggles with the same issues I do/did will have someone to relate to.

Every woman has that physical/emotional flaw that hounds them internally. My insecurity involves my weight and height. Currently, I'm 5'10. Hey, that's awesome NOW, but try being 11 years old and the "biggest" girl in your entire grade. It's not fun nor cool to be different at that young age- at least when I was growing up. I towered over the boys- and no boy liked me because I was a "fat" girl. It's safe to say that was about the age when young kids started having feelings of "like" for the opposite sex.  If you saw photos of me then I was far from "fat"- I was a chubby girl (Honestly that's how I'm built. I have broader shoulders, long legs and carry my weight around my middle). Of course, I was too young to understand. All I wanted to be was small, not necessarily "skinny," like most of my other friends. Just shorter and petite. More often than anything else I remember the fat jokes. Make no mistake that people liked me- I had lots of friends. But what I didn't understand is why the stupid boys would call me names and pick at how I looked. I was a nice person- never cruel to others- yet, I was getting called names that stung me to the very core.

High School was a great time for me- I was lucky enough to have awesome friends. Not to toot my own horn, but I was well liked. I was funny. I had lost that "chub" I grew up with- although still, yet again, bigger than most other girls. That is to say- those girls with the boyfriends. The girls that everyone wanted to date. (Seriously- did we even KNOW what "dating" entailed? hehe. I giggle) I dated here and there through high school, never a steady boyfriend- but I went from a shy, insecure little girl to a somewhat wiser young woman who realized that I was more than JUST A PRETTY FACE. (Side story: This is the title of my blog. The phrase "Not Just A Pretty Face" is something that speaks volumes to me. Why is it that a woman can't have extra padding and be beautiful? So, my FACE is gorgeous, but because I'm not thinner, I'm not an overall gorgeous person? Those are questions that constantly ran through my mind.)

It wouldn't be until my second year of college that I truly started to understand I WAS, in fact, beautiful, inside and out. I admit, I had lost quite a bit of weight when I got to college- of course I felt overall better about myself, but I put it into perspective. I knew I wasn't brainwashed by the thought of, "I've lost weight. NOW I'm beautiful." No. I was healthier. I understood MY worth. After years of struggling with acceptance from others, I accepted myself. Every woman feels good at different levels. It's internal, it's mental.

At present time- I sometimes feel myself bogged down by my physical attributes. I literally have to stop and talk out loud to myself and say,"Jenny. You need to straighten your a** up and get back into the right frame of mind. So what, you gained 30 pounds after college- you want it changed, fix it. You're smart. If this is what is bringing your self-esteem down, you need to change that right now." That being said- I'm much more comfortable with myself and my body than I ever have been- It's true what they say: With age, comes wisdom. But, not always. I'm 27. I DEMAND that every young woman younger than myself stand up and face the challenge of being YOUR number one friend and supporter- sooner than later.

Emily:
I definitely had my insecurities in high school  though I did make an effort to conceal them most of the time.  I don't like to describe my attitude in high school as 'not caring what others thought' because deep down we all care, but I was just okay with maybe being a little quirky.  I never really cared to wear what was super fashionable, instead I wore what I liked.  My girlfriends still make fun of me for this super old, faded rugby shirt that according to them I wore everyday. (It was more like every other day)   I owned a bright red pair of Dr. Martins that I wore all the time.  To me it wasn't because they were trendy (they were actually out of fashion at the time) but I just loved them.   I was definitely bigger in high school, at the time I didn't think of myself as big, but looking back at pictures now I can see that while not excessively over weight I was definitely carrying around the after effects of my poutine-a-day habit.  While I was confident I know some of it was faked.  I pretended it didn't bother me when the guy I was crushing on asked my younger sister to prom, but no one takes a blow like that without being a little hurt.  I think the biggest thing that helped my self-confidence the past few years was simply accepting myself.  This ties in to question number two so I will answer it more there.  The other thing that really helped my self-confidence was getting out of my comfort zone.  I chose to go to to University over 16 hours away from home.  When you are that far away you have no one but yourself to rely on.  I got really involved in Residence Life there and by the time I left had one of the top student positions available.  I discovered that I can help others, and in doing so ended up helping myself.  Realized my potential, found my strengths, and appreciated myself for who I was. 


Jamie:
When I was in high school I was a people pleaser. I used to loan people lunch money, let people copy my homework, (keep in mind this wasn't once in awhile, it was a daily occurrence), bake cookies or buy treats and bring them to class on holidays. I rarely ever skipped classes and I was a total teacher's pet. I was so anxious to have people like me that I went out of my way to be a doormat. I never stopped to think that the people that were eating my food and copying my homework weren't really my friends. Or maybe I did.. because honestly I was pretty miserable in high school.

My self confidence has wavered ever since. I have had good years and bad years. I went through a horrible relationship, during which I lost myself almost completely and let most of my friendships fall to the side. But I learned a lot about myself after that, I learned my limits, I learned who some of my real friends were, I learned what I would and wouldn't ever put up with in a relationship ever again. I had to rediscover myself; in essence I recreated myself. Since then my self confidence has grown and continues to get stronger. That chance to rediscover who I was and what I wanted out of life has really helped to shape who I am today and how I feel about myself.

Are there any things about yourself (physical or emotional) that used to bother you that you now like/embrace?

Amanda:
I used to be very self-conscious about my height.  I was always the tallest girl (sometimes kid) in my class since I can remember and while I was raised to be proud of who I am and to stand tall, it was easier said than done.  Now, it's a different story.  I wear super high heels often, so much so that people will joke they don't recognize me when I'm in flats.  Sure, I get lots of comments on my height, and while sometimes that can bother me, I just remind myself that a comment like that is not a case where someone is trying to be mean, or rude, they are simply in awe of how tall I actually am.  Besides, as I like to say, 'Everyone else gets to wear heels, so why can't I?  Exactly.

Emotionally, I was somewhat shy, timid and an introvert, however, there came a point in my life where I didn't want to be that person.  I wanted to be outgoing, fun, an extrovert.  So what did I do? I changed.  I pushed myself to be a better version of myself, to really step outside of the box and take risks.  At first it was difficult, I felt a little like I was pretending, but, people I just met didn't know that, they thought I was the furthest thing from shy, and over time, it become so natural and it is who I am now.   Now that's not to say that those traits don't surface every now and again, because they do, and I can certainly play the hermit when everyone else is going out to party, or be nervous when going someplace where I won't know anyone.  However, I just try to push those nerves away, remind myself I'm a great person, and go for it, because really, what do I have to lose?

Jenny:
My overall physical appearance- as I said above it used to bother me that my body type wasn't like that of most women. I wasn't and am not petite. I can't change it- so I embrace it and honestly wouldn't want to be any other way.

Emily:
I have big boobs.  There, I've said it - my knockers are huge.  I used to hate my boobs.  I cried for hours because I always had to wear the ugly bras from Sears instead of the cute bras from La Senza.  I was always known as the girl with the big boobs and it drove me crazy.  I used to think wearing big sweatshirts and two bras would help hide them, but in reality the big clothes just made me appear even bigger.  Just two years ago I was in Bravissimo in London with my sisters and we were all trying on bras and once again the only ones they had that fit me were the basic black and beige granny bras.  I had really hoped that by going to this specialty store in the UK that I would be able to find more that were pretty, and in particular a strapless bra.  Well, I was having no luck and so there I sat in the change room crying my eyes out because of the ugly bras and my stupid boobs. 

So what changed?  Did my boobs shrink?  Nope, sadly they did not, however I have accepted them.  In fact I'm even starting to embrace them!  I don't wear revealing clothes, mostly because I just don't see the attractiveness of a lot of cleavage but I have learned how to dress for my body.  Loving yourself takes time, but it's worth it because I am so much happier now!

Jamie:I used to have really thick bushy eyebrows which I seriously over-plucked in eighth grade for grad pictures. I kept them pretty thin until after high school.. I really wish I hadn't; I am trying to grow them back now :)

Have you ever dealt with bullies?  How did you overcome it?

Amanda:
I have dealt with bullies when I was younger.  I remember being teased about wearing pink denim in grade six (I own a pair now, I guess everything does come full circle), wearing super wide legged pants in high school, and the worst, being teased about my body.  The taunting certainly had an effect on me and stayed with me for years to come (especially the body image stuff), however, over time (ie. after High School), I came to realize that not all people are like that.  Reading magazines (my faves being Cosmo and Glamour, at the time) about how to improve my self-esteem and confidence helped too.  It also showed me I was not alone, and while other girls did have it much worse, someone who would do that to another proved their own insecurities.

Jenny:
Boy, have I ever. Does one truly overcome bullying? It's stuck with me for a good while. When the bullying was happening all I could do was walk away- maybe cry and feel upset for the rest of that day and hope the next day was a brighter one. These days- I stand up for myself. No way is anyone going to make me feel inferior without my consent. I admit, today I get furious when someone even ACTS like they're better than me- although not the best attribute to posses I feel that you need some sort of that attribute built into yourself. While other women may choose to ignore and walk away/brush it off, personally I've done enough of that. I want to stick around and tell them they're wrong for trying to make me feel inferior. THEN I can walk away-whether they care what I have to say or not. ;-)

Emily:
I'm sure there were times when I felt bullied because it happens to most everyone, but there is nothing that sticks out in my memory as being a bad bullying incident.  It probably helped that I was the biggest in my class by far until Grade 8.  (I still fit my grade 8 graduation dress. ) I also had no problem standing up for myself if need be.  I actually have a huge soft spot, particularly for the underdog and so I can remember many times in elementary school where I stood up for those who were being picked on by others.  I guess some would argue that I was a bully to the bullies but back then I can remember thinking, 'Someone needs to put them in their place!'  I think it's really sad how much bullying has become the norm almost.  We see it all the time in the blogger/ YT world and sometimes I feel like shouting '"I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy..." (I heart me some Mean Girls)  Really though I just don't understand how people A) have the time and B) would bother wasting their time just to say something spiteful and rude.  I know it's not as easy for some people to let rude comments roll off their backs but at the end of the day that's what you need to do; Be the bigger person and walk away. (cyber-walk away. . aka delete & ignore)

Jamie:
I think it is important to realize that the people that undermine your self confidence are not necessarily bullies, they could be bad friends, unsupportive significant others, overly critical parents, competitive co-workers.. and often times these are even more detrimental to our self esteem than bullies because these are people that we trust and respect, people whose opinions and approval matter to us. We don't realize that they are little by little eroding our self confidence.

When I was younger I always felt beautiful. I can never remember a point in my life when I looked on the mirror and didn't like what I saw. My parents always told me that I was beautiful and smart and I never doubted that.

I don't know exactly what happened or when that changed but at a certain point my mother and sister began to pick at me.. asking me if I had gained weight, telling me that my face looked fatter, that I had a big bum or fat arms or muffin top.. keeping in mind that I am a size 3/4 and 5' 6". They used to tell me that I might be the pretty one but I was the fat one. My mother actually said to me once " you shouldn't wear that dress until you lose 5 pounds" not 'that dress looks a little small' or 'maybe that's a little tight'.. what a great way to start the night out...on your birthday.

 On top of this my parents would tell me that I needed to get better marks in school.. and the lowest mark I have ever gotten is a 75.. they told me that 80's should be 90's and if I got 90's it was "well why don't you have 90's in all of your classes?"  In this regard I think my parents just wanted me to do my best, try my hardest etc. but because of the way they approached the subject I just felt that nothing I did was ever good enough. My friends and boyfriend told me that I was crazy to let these kind of comments get to me because they were completely untrue.. but it still really hurt. It came to a certain point where I just couldn't take it emotionally anymore, I stopped visiting my family which was difficult for me. Eventually after a couple of months I gathered up my courage and told my dad everything.. how much their criticism bothered me, how I didn't feel good enough,  how I was so stressed out that I was going to disappoint them, how high my anxiety was because I felt like I was always being judged. We talked through it and since then things have been getting better.

Don't get me wrong, I have 2 parents that love and support me.. they are always there for me and I think they did a pretty good job of raising me.. I know I could have had it a lot worse. My point is that sometimes it is the people that you are closest to in life that are hurting your self esteem and just because these people are your friends/family etc. doesn't mean that you have to put up with it.

What advice can you offer women who are struggling with their self esteem?

Amanda:
Take a step back and evaluate who is making you feel this way.  It should never, ever be another person.  If it is an external source (not yourself), you need to remove that person from your life.  They are not healthy for you and them cutting you down will never help you become nor feel like a better person.

If it's yourself, remember that we all have our 'demons' and things that we wish we could change about ourselves, etc. however, to a certain point, you just have to accept who you are and be the best you.  If you are feeling unattractive, consider trying out a new hair style, paint your nails, try something new with your make up (you can find excellent techniques and inspiration online) - all inexpensive ways to boost your confidence.  If you are feeling like you could lose a few pounds, do something about it: YouTube a workout video, go for a walk, park far away everywhere you go, take the stairs - every step helps including cutting down on your treats (and I looove my treats!).

You are a wonderful person, and if you can have a positive attitude and energy, others will see that and gravitate towards you, and that also helps build great self-esteem.

Jenny:
Others can tell when you're unsure of yourself- don't you notice it? You can feel your shoulders slightly lowered, you may fidget or slink into a corner. Although some women's insecurities may be hard to detect, others are easily read. I have a trick- and weirdly enough it TRULY works. It's simple, and may sound over-the-top silly- but try it. If you're in a situation where you feel insecure, not good enough or out of place for ANY reason- FAKE IT. You walk your sexy booty into that party, office interview, first date- even just walking around your house- with your shoulders held back (No, Literally. Pull 'em back girls.), head held high and ACT the part. If you just honestly cannot muster up confidence that day- you become an actress and fake it. Act like you are THE greatest thing in that room. Habits become routine- make the habits you form positive ones. There's no better habit to form than that of confidence. However, don't mistake confidence for arrogance- there's a difference.

Above anything else, I think it's so important to keep in your mind that you're NOT alone if you struggle with self-esteem issues. You are NOT the only one with bad days. The most confident woman on this planet has days where, although it be small and insignificant from outsiders, she feels not herself- "ugly", too this or too that. Perhaps you don't notice because of her resiliency- her ability to bounce back from these negative thoughts creeping into her mind. Maybe she's realized there's no good reason to be worrying about that pimple smack dab in the middle of her cheek- or that, in fact, she's NOT the funniest girl in the room. At the end of the day- no one else cares. If they do then their problems lie a hell of a lot deeper.

In the time we live in today, it's especially prevalent- beauty, make-up, fashion, wearing the most "in" pair of shoes, looking the cutest in your outfit of the day blog posts, applying your eyeshadow in the most awesomest way. Some days I just have to walk away (FAST!) from my computer because I'm overwhelmed. We are such a broad community of women- all different- and this is the most beautiful thing, is it not? As much as I love to chat and socialize online with women just like myself (witty and oh so charming. ;-) Joke.), it's actually the women who differ in thoughts and beliefs that I learn from the most.

Do some internal soul searching to uncover WHY there are issues with your confidence or self-esteem. Personally, the past three years I've noticed my mother still struggles with her outward appearance. Is this where my lack of self-esteem came from? The imperativeness of my make-up and hair looking just right- is this because this is what I saw growing up? Once you understand why you feel the way you do- it can be re-tweeked. 

No one is perfect. Remember that...NO ONE is perfect. There will always be someone who's prettier, smarter, funnier- this doesn't mean you're not any of those things yourself. I struggle with this, too- maybe you do- that's why I think it's important that we consciously make the effort to lift one another up and help, instead of put each other down. Everyone's fighting some sort of battle- If you're not one struggling with your self-esteem and self-worth reach out to someone who IS. Nothing is more beautiful than a woman who chooses not to give into her fears.

Emily:
These are all separate (yet connected) thoughts:

• Try to look at yourself from an outside perspective.  It's amazing what other people see that we never see in ourselves.  
• It's okay to have a down day or two. . but after that pick yourself up and say 'What can I change so that I can avoid this feeling next time'  Nothing bothers me more than someone who says "I'm so chubby and unhappy, if only I could be skinny then I'd be the happiest person in the world" and then they order a double big mac and ice cream.  Don't complain if you aren't willing to make some changes and sacrifices.  This goes for anything, not just weight. ie "I have no time for _____" but yet they spend 10 hours a week watching reality TV.  I'm sorry if this sounds heartless but whining about something will not change it, you have to make the changes.  
• Find something that makes you happy.  Volunteering, crafts, sewing, cleaning, whatever! If you are happy/content it's a lot easier to see the positive in other parts of your life.  
• Accepting yourself will not happen over night.  But you can start moving in that direction by throwing out the top that is not flattering, dumping the 'Debbie Downer' friend, buying yourself a pair of hot heels, and for goodness sake looking at yourself in the mirror!!!!! Do it. . . Go find a mirror, the bigger the better.  Look in that mirror and say 'Damn Girl. . . You are smokin!!'  I know it's vain but too often we look in the mirror and we are looking for the flaws, instead look in the mirror and admire yourself! 
• When someone compliments you, don't brush it off.  Say 'Thank you' and soak it in. 

Jamie:
Be selfish; I know that sounds backwards..but this doesn't mean be mean and careless with other people's feelings,  however at some point in your life you need and deserve to put yourself first in order to figure out who you are and what you want out of life. This means taking the time to ask yourself what YOU want.,When you make decisions ask yourself how will this affect ME? Is this the best thing that I can do for MYSELF? Chances are if you are happy then the people around you.. the important people like family and friends will be happy as well.

We are our own worst critics. Out of all of the people on the world, there is no one who we judge harsher than ourselves. I have had friends tell me "you always look so cute and put together" or "I love what you're wearing" and I have to stop myself from laughing because those are usually the days that I change my outfit 3 or 4 times before leaving the house and end up settling for whatever because I'm feeling like I have nothing to wear or none of the outfits I have look good on me. Over the years I have realized that all of my insecurities, and flaws are hardly ever noticed by other people.

Friendships are important: healthy friendships. Cultivate relationships with people that you genuinely like and admire, people that you can be honest with and people that will be honest with you. It is important to evaluate your relationships, relationships should be beneficial to everyone involved. One of my strongest relationships is my friendship with Veronika. I think it was essential to my personal development. When we were younger V and I shared a lot of interests but we were also as different as can be. V was tall and thin and fair skinned and very girly whereas I was short and dark haired and exotic and tomboyish. We celebrated our differences, we never felt the need to compare or compete with one another and that relationship made me realize something really important about beauty. She was beautiful and I was beautiful. It didn't have to be one or the other...her being smart and beautiful didn't make me any less smart or beautiful. Women need to realize that we are not in competition with one another. We need to be real with each other; share our struggles and our successes.It makes us human.  Don't be afraid to tell another woman that you think she is beautiful or stylish or smart. Compliment freely.

Self confidence is about balance, it's a journey of self realization. It's about coming to terms with who you are. I think we all need to realize that everybody struggles, even the most beautiful women, even the smartest, strongest women have doubts about something.. no one is perfect. There are days when I wake up and I feel like I can conquer the world, but there are also days that I feel like I can't do anything right. People who know me now find it hard to believe that I was once awkward and geeky and so unsure of myself. Even though people tell me I'm beautiful, when I see people looking at me, I still wonder if I have something stuck in my teeth or if I have my skirt tucked into my undies. :)



I know this was a long post---but it's such a valuable read and I hope each and every person who reads it gets something from it---whether it's being able to relate to someone's experience or learning how to build your own confidence.

Thank you so much for reading and I welcome any comments or questions you have for me or any of the participating bloggers. 

Don't forget to visit Amanda, Emily and Jenny at their blogs and follow them---they are amazing gals that I feel privileged to "know" and I know you'll love their blog posts as much as I do.

xoxo,

Veronika.